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SIMPKINS' LITTL 
BREAKFAST PARTY 



a farce in <©ne act 



BY 

CHARLES S. BIRD 



Copyright, 191 i, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



^ 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



-fSt^^' 



>1 



J> 



tn 



©CIO 



23876 



NoTE.--The professional rights of this play are expressly 
reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical managers 
should apply who wish to produce it. Amateur representa- 
tion may be made without such application and without 
charge. 

SIMPKINS' LITTLE BREAKFAST 
PARTY. 



CHARACTERS. 



Samuel SiMPKiNS Inclined to he gay 

Major Cashdown a down-town broker 

Dr. Hartley Simphins' Chum. Also of " The Flats " 

George Henry Clay 8impUns' Man 

Mrs. Fairplay a lady of spirit 

Alice ± airplay Her daughter and Simphins' intended 

Dolly Cashdown An amateur actress, Hartley's choice 

Time of Eepresentation.— One and a half hours. 
Costumes, modern. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Furniture as per scene plot. Plates, knives, forks, etc., 
suitable for a nicely arranged breakfast-table. Pipe, pillow; 
card and tray for George. Money, Coin for Simpkins. 
Medicme-case for Hartley. Handkerchief for Dolly. 
Money for Major Cashdown. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

In observing, the player is supposed to face the audience, 
c. means centre; r., right; l., left; r. c, right of centre; l. c, 
left of centre; c. d., centre door; r. d., right door; l. d., left 
door; r. u. e. right upper entrance; l. u. e. left upper 
entrance; r. l e. right first entrance; l. l e. left first en- 
trance; UP, up stage or toward the rear; down, down stage or 
toward the audience. 

3 



SIMPKINS' LITTLE BREAKFAST 
PARTY. 



SCENE. — A combined sitting and hreahfast room, in Simp- 
kins' apartments, tastefully famished. Sideboard, up r. 
Small round table, down r. Three chairs at table. 
Ornamental screen between table and sideboard. Table 
L. with telephone, papers, boohs, smoking outfit, etc., on it. 
Morris chair beside it at R. George Henry DISCOV- 
ERED in morris chair, smoking Simpkins' meerschaum, 

George. Whew! Guess I will hab t' speak t' de boss, an 
tell him t' change his bran' o* t'bakker, dis ere stuff smells 
like a rubber plant. Ah doan tink much of dis job here 
ennyhow, too quiet like t' suit dis coon, too much alone, de 
boss ain' no company for me, ain' home none on'y in de 
mawnin, an time t' go t' bed. Say, Ah jess wonder whar he 
spend his time anyhow? Guess he is what dey calls one of 
dem high-rollers. When dis nigger git rich, dat's what he's 
gwine t' be, "a high roller." {Chuckles.) When Ah was a 
rousterbout on de steamer. Ah uster dream about (Simp- 
kins in morning gown ENTERS quietly, R. u. E. Shakes 
fist at George. Comes behind chair, and listens) bein' rich 
ya ha, jess like my boss here. Nothin' t' do but be a sport, 
lay back in ma big ahm cheer like dis, smokin' an habin* a 
good time all (Simpkins grabs chair behind, pitches George 
out on floor). 

Simpkins. Now, you black rascal, what have you got to 
say for yourself? Here I have caught you smoking my pipe 
again. Didn't I tell you that the next time I caught you at 
it I'd give you a caning? 

Geo. (confused). 'Deed Ah was'n smokin', boss, Ah was 
on'y 

Seme. Don't lie to me, I saw you. 



6 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Geo. No, sah, Ah mus' a bin a dreamin', an' — an' — jess 
reached out and picked up dat pipe by mistake, in mah sleep. 
(Aside.) Got cotched dat time for suah. 

Simp. Well, George Henry, I did not engage you to do 
any nightmare stunts around here, so you try to keep awake 
after this and attend to your work or out you go, do you 
understand ? 

Geo. Yas, sah, suah, Ah understans. (Forgets himself, 
and puts pipe in mouth again.) 

Simp. Put that pipe on the table! 

Geo. What pipe? Oh, yah (pretends to he surprised at 
seeing pipe in his hand) dar is dat ole pipe ag'in fo' suah, 
Ah mus' a bin a dreamin' ag'in. (Lays pipe on table.) 

Simp. Now, George Henry, pay attention to what I am 
going to say. 

Geo. Yassir. 

Simp. I am going to have a little breakfast party here 
this morning. A gentleman, and a — ahem, — a lady (George 
looks wise), and I want you to see if you can serve the 
guests, and myself, in such a manner that I need not be 
ashamed of you. By the way, did you ever wait at table 
when you were on the steamboat? 

Geo. Yassir, alius waited till all de rest got frou. 

Simps. No, I don't mean that, I mean, did you ever pass 
the food? 

Geo. Who, me? No, sah; nebber passed nuffin, jess took 
everyting in mah reach. 

Simp, (aside). This is rather a dangerous experiment, 
trying to break in a new servant when company is to be 
here, and such company. Miss Dolly, charming little creature. 
(Buhs hands together.) I can hardly wait. (To George.) 
Now then, George Henry, you get to work and arrange this 
table for three, and when the guests arrive, you will attend 
to their needs, and if everything goes well, it will mean a 
small bill for yours. 

Geo. Yassir, Ah'U suah do mah bes'. 

Simp. Good. (George puts things on tahle, arranges 
cloth, chairs etc. Simpkins sits and smokes.) Just think 
of it, Simpkins my boy, in another hour, perhaps less, 
(looks at watch) Miss Dolly Cashdown, the sweetest peach 
that ever ripened on the theatrical tree, will be seated with 
you at your little table. Nice thing to tumble into a fortune, 
and be able to spend a season in New York. Am I having 
a good time? Well, say (knowing wink),V3i — ther. I wonder 



Simpkins* I/ittle Breakfast Party. 7 

what Alice would say if she knew a few of the rapid strides 
of her dear Sammy, in the City? But pshaw, she is a 
reasonable little girl enough, she would understand that a 
fellow has to enjoy life a little. But her mama — Whew! 
Why think of disagreeable topics however ? Confounded bore, 
though, that Dolly would insist on having her father come 
with her, (rises) but, ha, ha, I'll show the old chap that " two 
is company, and three is a crowd," if Hartley carries out my 
little scheme. (Crosses to table.) Well, George Henry, 
everything ready? 

Geo. Yas, sah; Ah tink so, sah. 

Simp. Yes, that looks fine. (Moves things around a lit.) 
That's great. Now, I'm going to get ready; you receive the 
guests, when they come, and call me at once. 

Geo. Yassir. (EXIT Simpkins, r. u. e.) Ah wonder 
what kind a pahty dis yer am gwine to be, ef it's ennyting like 
de las' one de boss had — (Puts up loth hands and shakes 
head.) Ah wonder ef dar's time for annuder little smoke? 
(Loohs off R., goes to tahle, takes up pipe.) 

Simp, (from off R.) George Henry! 

Geo. (dropping pipe hastily). Yassir. 

Simp. Nothing, wanted to be sure you were not dreaming 
again. 

Geo. Golly, he done gib me er shock. (Door hell rings. 
George goes off c. d., KE-ENTEKS, ushering in Major 
Cashdown and Dolly.) Walk in, sah, walk in. Miss. 

Major. Ahem! is Mr. — Mr. Symptoms in? 

Dolly. Mr. Simpkins, papa. 

Maj. Yes, yes, Mr. Simpkins, of course; well, you piece 
of ebonized furniture, is Mr. Symptoms in? 

Geo. Yassir — yas'm, he am, make yo'sef at home, an' Ah 
done call him. (EXIT George r. u. e). 

Maj. Well, Dolly, here we are. (Dolly sits l., Major 
walhs around rather nervously.) 

DoL. Isn't this a regular lark, papa, I'm so glad you con- 
sented to come. 

Maj. Yes, yes, my dear, but I had a reason for doing so, 
which I have not told you yet, but I — er— will do so now. 

DoL. Why, how delightfully mysterious! What in the 
world can it be? Do go on! 

Maj. Well, you see, my dear,— Ah— ahem (Aside.) I 
must be careful, it won't do to say much about the widow. 
(^To Dolly.) You see, this young Mr. Symptoms 

DoL. Simp — kins, papa. 



8 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Maj. Yes, yes, vSimpkins — this young Symptoms is a 
friend of a friend of mine, back in the old town from which 
we both came, a fact thoug-h, of which he is not aware, and 
we — that is to say — the friend of whom I speak, and myself, 
have ascertained that this young chap is cutting quite a 
wide swath here in the city, and so she 

DoL. She? 

Maj. {confused). Ahem, no, no — and so we — ^have 
hatched up a little scheme to bring him to his senses. 

DoL. Yes, I understand. {Rather dubiously.) 

Maj. And so the widow 

DoL. The widow? {Starting up.) Papa, what on earth 
are you tall?;ing about? 

Maj. {aside). Confound it, I'm getting this thing all 
mixed up. {To Dolly.) No, no. I was thinking about a 
client of mine, down at the office, — where was I ? Oh, yes, — a 
little scheme, and — er — they will be here to-day, perhai)S this 
morning, and 

DoL. {with sarcasm). Has this — this party, to whom you 
refer, a double personality? 

Maj. a — a — what ? 

DoL. A double personality. A little wkile ago you said 
it was a friend. You now say they, could you not be a little 
more specific ? 

Maj. Oh! of course, my dear, of course, the young lady 
you know 

DoL. {bewildered). The young lady? 

Maj. (aside). Confound it! I may as well get this thing 
over, I can't seem to make her understand. {To Dolly.) 
Yes, my dear Dolly, and as you now understand the whole 
situation perfectly 

DoL. Oh! perfectly — you have made it all so delightfully 
clear. {Aside, anxiously.) I wonder if poor dear papa has 
been caught in a squeeze in the street? He talks so 
strangely. (Simpkins heard speahing off R.) 

Maj. Sh-h-h — Now don't tell him what I have told you 
— mum's the word. 

DoL. No danger. {Aside.) Mumm ? I wonder if there's 
to be champagne? 

ENTER Simpkins r. u. e. Ee has on tuxedo suit. Very 

breezy. 

Simp. Ah, Miss Cashdown. Ah, Major. {Bows low over 



Simpkins' I^ittle Breakfast Patty. 9 

Dolly's hand, shakes Major's heartily.) So glad to see you 
both, charmed to have you accept my invitation, trust you 
did not think me — ah — presumptuous ? 

Maj. Not in the least, my boy. 

DoL. Oh, not at all, Mr. Simpkins. 

Simp. Ah, delighted to hear you say so. (ENTER 
George r. u. e. Goes to table.) George Henry, show Major 
and Miss Cashdown to my room; breakfast will be served in 
about ten minutes. 

[EXIT Major, Dolly and George l. u. e. Simpkins dances 
around down front and sings snatch of some sentimental 
song. George RE-ENTERS l. u. e. and dances hack, 
imitating Simpkins. 

Simp. Charming Dolly — such eyes — such hair — such an 
altogether adorable creature. I can hardly wait for break- 
fast to begin. (Dances.) La, la, la, to be sure Pa-pa is a 
nuisance, but if my little arrangement to have him called 
up on the telephone works, I'll soon have the divine Dolly all 
to myself. Ah, Simpkins my boy, you are a sly dog. (Dances 
and sings.) La la la — (Catches sight of George dancing.) 
What do you mean, you imp of darkness, by imitating me? 
(Snatches hook from table, and throws it at George.) 

Geo. Ah begs yo pahdon, boss, guess ah was dreamin' 
agin. 

Simp. You villain, I'll give you something that will turn 
your dreams into a painful reality. 

Geo. Deed, Ah jess couldn't help it, yo is such a fine 
dancer. Ah thought I'd take a lesson while yo was'n lookin'. 

Simp, (-flattered). Ahem, well, George Henry, I believe I 
am pretty fair on my feet. (Another step.) You should 
have seen me, er — ahem, never mind, here, here's something 
for you. (Hands George coin.) 

Geo. (grinning). Thanky' sah. (Bows.) 

Simp. And, George Henry? 

Geo. Well, sah. 

Simp. See that everything is hot. 

Geo. Yassir, you're suah gwine t' git it hot. 

[EXIT George l. 1 e. 

Simp, (startled). "I'm going to get it hot"— now I 
wonder what he meant by that? Oh, the food, of course, 
of course. Ah, here she comes. Just in time, my man has 
just gone down for the breakfast. 

ENTER Major and Dolly l. u. e. 



10 Sitnpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Major. That's good, I'm as hungry as a Wall Street bear, 
Ha! Ha! 

Simp. Good, Major, very good. Ha ! Ha ! we'll fix that in 
a jiffy. 

DoL. It was very dear of you, Mr. Simpkins, to arrange 
this delightful little affair for us. 

Simp. Oh, don't mention it, my dear Miss Cashdown, I 
beg, the pleasure is all mine, I assure you. Shall I have the 
extreme honor of taking you to the table ? ( Very gallantly,^ 

DoL. Thank you, Mr. Simpkins. {All sit at table, 
Dolly r., Major l., Simpkins c. facing audience.) 

ENTER George l. 1 e. carrying large tray. Goes to side- 
hoard.) 

Maj. (heartily). Now this is what I call pleasant, there 
is nothing so conducive to real intimacy, and jovial good 
fellowship, as sitting together at a well appointed little meal 
like this. 

DoL. Oh, yes, Mr. Simpkins, it is perfectly delightful. 

Simp, (smirking). You honor me, I am sure. Now then, 
George Henry, the hot plates, now, the minced chicken, the 
celery, the olives, the toast. (George brings each article as 
it is ordered.) 

Simp, (aside). George Henry is doing extremely well for 
an ex-roustabout. My dear Miss Cashdown, may I help you 
to some of the minced chicken? 

DoL. If you will be so kind, Mr. Simpkins. (George 
takes plate from Simpkins, walks around table and serves 
Dolly.) 

Simp. And you, Major? 

Maj. (rubbing hands). Why, of course, my dear fellow, 
that's what I'm here for. Ha, ha! it looks fine. 

Simp. It ought to be, our chef is hard to beat. (Same 
"business for George. All eat. George very attentive.) 

Simp. George Henry. 

Geo. Yas, sah. 

Simp. The coffee. 

Geo. Yas, sah. (George brings coffee, pours for Dolly, 
starts to pour for Major, telephone rings. George starts, 
turns toward telephone, and pours coffee in Major's lap. All 
jump up. Major in agony.) 

Maj. Ow — ouch — ah! you infernal coon. (Dances 
around.) What do you mean ? You've scalded me I 

Geo. O — er — 'souse me, Ma — jaw, I ^ 



Sitopkins* lyittle Breakfast Party. II 

Simp, (kicking him). You black ape! (George goes to 
telephone.) 

DoL. Poor dear papa, does it hurt? 

Maj. (grimly). "Does it hurt?" Suppose you had hot 
coffee poured all 

DoL. (shocked). Papa! 

Geo. Somebody wan' t' speak t' Major Cashdown. 

Maj. (limping over to phone). Well, what is it? Yes, 
Cashdown! (Bellowing.) Yes, Major Cashdown! what? — 
where? — Ouch! (Ruhs leg, dances.) At the office? — Oh! 
impossible, — No, — No, I say! Hey? — what's that? — a hun- 
dred thou — All right— rig-ht away. (To Simpkins.) Very 
Borry, my dear Symptoms, — important matter at office — got 
to go — back in fifteen minutes. (Simpkins and Dolly rise, 
90 c.) 

Simp. Why, this is too had. Major, but business is business 
you know. (Winks aside.) George Henry, the Major's hat 
and coat. (EXIT George l. u. e. returns at once with 
hat and coat.) Well, good-bye. Major, hope you can return 
shortly. (Aside.) Simpkins, what a liar you are. 

Maj. Good-bye. Bye-bye, Dolly, — coming right back. 

DoL. Good-bye, papa, do hurry. 

Maj. Yes, yes. (Rushes off c. d.) 

DoL. What a shame, business is such a nuisance. 

Simp. So it is, so it is, my dear Miss Cashdown, but surely 
we can proceed with our breakfast, can we not? 

DoL. Oh, certainly, Mr. Simpkins, if you wish. 

Simp, (aside). "If I wish.'' Charming girl. Now, 
Simpkins, is your chance. (They resume seats, George at 
sideboard.) 

DoL. (aside). This is quite embarrassing, I do hope papa 
will not be detained long. 

Simp. Ahem — er — er. My dear Miss Cashdown, ah, did 
you notice what a beautiful, evening it was last night? 
Such a lovely moon — and — (Edging his chair toward her.) 

DoL. (nervously). Ye — yes — I believe so. (Moves around 
a little). 

Simp, (ardently). Bo you, so do I. (Simpkins keepi 
moving up; Dolly moves away as they talk, until they have 
made the circuit of the tahle.) How perfectly our tastes 
seem to agree, dear Miss — er — Dolly, I — (George drops tray 
with loud clatter.) 

DoL. Oh! (Simpkins jumps up, takes George by the ear, 
leads him down l., hands him tip, points off stage. George 



IZ Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

grins, nods head — EXIT l. 1 e.) (Aside.) I wish papa 
would hurry, and I wish he had been a little more definite in 
regard to his " scheme," Mr. Simpkins acts so queerly. 

Simp, (returning to table — adoringly). As I was saying — 
My dear — ah — Dolly — (Bing at telephone.) Confound the 
phone. (Long ring. Goes to telephone.) Well, what is it? 
(Shouts.) Yes, Simpkins! Yes, Simp — (Changing tone.) 
Oh, that you. Major? — delayed? — very sorry, — yes, of course, 
— good-bye. (Forgets himself, dances.) La, la, la. 

DoL. Why, Mr. Simpkins, what are you doing? (Aside.) 
He must be wrong in his head. Oh, I must go. (Starts up.) 

Simp, (confused). Why — ah — why, you see, it was the 
telephone. 

DoL. " The telephone ? " Of course it was the telephone, 
but 

Simp. Yes, you see whenever I use the telephone the 
electric fluid goes all over me, and 

DoL. Why, how strange. 

Simp. Isn't it? (They sit at tahle.) Ahem, Miss Dolly 
— dear Miss Dolly — er — (Ring at door-hell heard, Simpkins 
annoyed, calls off.) George Henry! (ENTER George, l. 
1 E.) Attend to the door. 

Geo. Yas, sah. [EXIT c. d. 

Simp. As I said before, my dear 

ENTER George c. d. with card tray. 

Geo. Some ladies t' see you, boss. 

Simp, (takes cards from tray. Aside). Mrs. Ethel Fair- 
play, Miss Alice Fairplay. Jerusalem! Alice and her 
mother, what'll I do? (TaJces George aside.) Tell them 
to wait a little while, and 

Geo. Deed Ah did, boss, but de ole lady say she wa'n't 
gwine sta'n on ceremony, comin' right up. 

Simp. The deuce she is? 

DoL. (who has been looking bewildered, with dignity). 
Mr. Simpkins, if you — (Voices heard outside, c. D.) 

Simp, (rapidly). Oh, yes, certainly, Miss Dolly, sit down. 
(He pushes Dolly down in chair, then drags screen over so as 
to conceal table from stage, but not from audience.) Whew! 

ENTER c. D. Mrs. Fairplay and Alice. 

Why, my dear Mrs. Fairplay, my dear Alice. (M\itual 
greeting.) How jolly of you to give me this pleasant 
surprise. (Aside.) Pleasant? 



Simpkins* I<ittle Breakfast Party. 13 

Mrs. Fairplay. I knew you would he delighted to see us. 

Simp. And so I am. (Aside.) Not. 

Alice. Now, isn't this just lovely, Sammy? Mama and 
I are going to spend a whole day with you, in your bachelor 
apartments, won't it be a lark? (Pouting.) Well, you don't 
appear any too well pleased to see us. 

Simp. What, what an idea, I'm quite overcome with 
emotion. 

Alice. That's a dear boy. (Takes his arm; they talk 
aside.) 

Mrs. F. (aside). Alice is right, he doesn't seem at all" 
pleased. I wonder what the Major meant by his extremely 
vague letter about Mr. Simpkins. Of course I had to come, 
but I really do not know what he could have meant. 

Alice. Well, sir, are you not going to ask us to remove our 
things ? 

Simp. Oh, a thousand pardons, ladies, remove them at 
once. (They start to do so. Door-hell rings.) But not 
here, not here, come this way. (Rushes them off l. u. e.) 

DoL. (who during above scene has heen sitting at tahle, 
"behind screen, undecided what to do). Now I wonder what 
this all means? There is one thing certain. (Coming 
down.) Mr. Simpkins is evidently a gay deceiver. What 
was it papa said about — (Gets an idea claps her hands.) 
Oh! Oh! I begin to see — ha, ha, ha! isn't this a go? Just 
like a comedy — (Door-bell rings violently, Dolly runs 
behind screen. George ENTERS l. 1 e., crosses, EXITS 
c. D. returns ushering in Dr. Hartley.) 

Dr. Hartley (medicine case in hand). Mr. Simpkins in, 
George Henry? 

Geo. Yes, sah, he am in, fo' suah. 

Dr. H. Tell him I want to see him a moment, will you? 

Geo. Yes, sah, right away. (Aside.) Gee, dis yer flat 
gittin* filled up mighty fast. [EXIT George r. u. e. 
(Hartley picks up paper — reads.) 

DoL. (behind screen). It's Dr. Hartley. Oh, what if he 
should find me here, I must not let him see me. 

[EXIT Dolly hurriedly r. 1 e. leaving handkerchief on 

table. 

Dr. H. (puts paper down). Wish Simpkins would hurry — 
got an important call to make. (Strolls about, sees break- 
fast table.) Hullo, what's this? Table laid for three, 
^wonder what Simpkins is up to now (shakes head), it's hard 



X4 Simpkins' lyittle Breakfast Party. 

to tell. He seems to be getting rather gay of late, talking 
about pretty actresses, and all that sort of thing, but he'll get 
over it, he'll get over — (Sees handkerchief.) Ah! ah! 
Simpkins, my boy, here's a little piece of circumstantial 
evidence. Ha! Ha! the rascal, got one on him now. Oh 
you dainty little bit of feminine flimsiness, if you could 
only speak. Ha! Ha! if you could only — (Catches odor of 
perfume.) Hello — (smells of handkerchief) that perfume 
seems awfully familiar — why — why — (turns handkerchief 
over, sees initials in corner) what^s this? T). C? (Starts 
wildly.) By the Eternal ! if that handkerchief did not come 
out of the box I gave Dolly Cashdown on her last birthday, 
I^m a liar, and that perfume too — hers — hers (shouting) 
what does this mean? 

ENTER Simpkins l. u. e. 

Simp. Ah, a minute to breathe (sees Hartley) the devil! 
Dr. H. (striding across wildly). Here, what does this 
mean? What is this? (Shows handkerchief.) 
Simp, (confused). Why — er — that? 
Dr. H. Yes sir, "that!" 

Simp, (coming closer). Why, it looks like a handkerchief. 
Dr. H. Oh, does it? does it? How did it come here? 
Simp, (aside). Here's a go. Dolly must have dropped it. 

ENTER George r. u. e. 

Simp, (aside to George). Get him out of here, some way, 
any way. (George nods, grins.) [EXIT c. D. 

Dr. H. Well, sir. I am waiting to hear from you. 

Simp. Oh, yes, certainly — (Grahs handkerchief. Puts it 
in pocket.) That is (telephone rings. /Simpkins goes to it) 
Yes — Stag Flats — right here. Doctor, somebody for you — 
hurry call. 

Dr. H. (takes telephone, savagely). Well — yes — wreck on 
the elevated? — how many? — right away. (Grahs his case.) 
I've got to go, hut (shaking fist.) I'll be back, I'll be back. 

[EXIT hastily c. d. 

Simp. Wow! I'll have heart failure if this keeps up. I 
must speak to Dolly. Wonder what she is thinking about 
all this time? (Approaches screen on tiptoe. In loud 
whisper.) Dolly — Dolly — (Mrs. Fairplay and Alice heard 
talking and laughing l. Simpkins jumps away.) Jupiter! 
here they come, now for trouble. 

ENTER Mrs. Fairplay and Alice l. u. e. 



Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 15; 

Alice. Here, we are, Sammy dear, (Simpkins starts, looks 
nervously at screen.) it is so nice to be with you again, isn't it, 
mama? 

Mrs. F. {doubtfully) . Of course, my dear, quite so. 

Alice. And now you must show us over your apartments, 
I do so want to see how a nice young bachelor like you lives 
in New York. 

Simp. With pleasure, we — we'll go into the farthest room 
first — and 

Mrs. F. {decidedly) . 0\\, no, Mrs. Simpkins, we will begin 
right here. {Aside.) How strangely he acts. 

Simp. Of course, my dear Mrs. Fairplay. {Aside.) Fd 
like to wring her neck. {Trying to get them away from 
screen.) Now look at this telephone, — installed last week — 
latest improvements — fire proof — water tight — never known 
to — (Mrs. Fairplay not interested goes to sideboard, looks 
around, approaches screen.) Ah! — 

Ladies (starting). Oh! what is it? 

Simp, {faintly). Oh! only a little pain around the heart. 

Alice {anxiously). Why, Sammy, I didn't know you had 
heart trouble. 

Simp. It's nothing to be alarmed about, really. 

Mrs. F. {aside). There's something wrong here. (Starts 
to look behind screen.) 

Simp, (yells). Oh! Oh! my heart again. (Ladies run to 
him and hold him up, Mrs. Fairplay swinging screen around 
as she does this.) 

Mrs. F. This is serious. 

Alice. Oh, Sammy, you must have the doctor. 

Simp, (relieved at Dolly's disappearance). No, no, Fm 
all right now. (Aside.) Dolly's gone — I'm saved. 

Alice. Well, I don't like to have you — (Sees breakfast 
table.) Why, Mama, Sammy has breakfast laid for us, 
and I'm as hungry as a bear; isn't it good of him? 

Mrs. F. Yes, delightful, — but (suspiciously) the table is 
laid for three, and you know we were not expected. Mr. 
Simpkins, how do you 

Simp, (hastily). Ha! Ha! why to tell the truth, it was a 
little fancy of mine. 

Ladies. Fancy? 

Simp, (sentimentally). Yes, I thought this morning, how 
jolly it would be if Alice and her dear mama were only here, 
so I had the table laid for three, and I let myself imagine 
that I sat here in the centre, with Alice on this side, and you 



i6 Simpkitis* I^ittle Breakfast Party. 

on this side, and it — er — kind of kept me from being lone- 
some, you know, and 

Alice. Why, Sammy, how poetic, how romantic. 

Simp. Wasn't it? (Calls off.) George Henry.(ENTER 
George l. 1 e.) George Henry, clear these things away, and 
arrange the table for three. 

Geo. Yas, sah, yas, sah, but whar am de Major an' — an' 
Miss Dolly, boss? (George gets busy at table.) 

Simp, {aside to George). You black idiot, you ape, you — 

Alice {opening her eyes). Dolly? Who is Dolly? 

Mrs. F. {with emphasis). Yes, Mr. Simpkins, who is 
Dolly? and who is the Major? {Aside.) I wonder if this 
means Major Cashdown, and if it has anything to do with — 

Simp, {fencing for time). Yes, that's it, Major and Dolly 
— Dolly and Major — {Nervously.) Ha! Ha! {Aside.) If 
I don't kill that nigger. 

Mrs. F. This demands an explanation, sir. 

Alice. Yes, Mr. Simpkins, this does demand an explana- 
tion. 

Simp. Why, of course — to be sure — that's easy. {Aside.) 
I wish it was. You see — er — ladies — ah — I — {Aside.) 
Ah! An idea. {Rapidly.) You see the explanation (as 
you term it) of George's question is very simple. Major 
and Dolly are the names of my two thoroughbred horses, and 
George Henry, faithful fellow {shakes his fist at George — 
aside) is as fond of them as I am, — great pets, I assure 
you, and so you understand 

Mrs. F. No, sir, I do not understand. {Slowly.) Do 
your horses take breakfast with you in your apartments? 

Simp, {at sea). Why, no, — that is, not usually, but — but — 
when I have oats 

[EXIT George l. 1 e., puts finger to forehead. Shakes head. 
• George takes tray with plates etc. 

Alice {with contempt) . " Oats," the idea. 

Mrs. F. This will not do. Mr. Simpkins, if you are 
trifling with my daughter's innocent young heart, I wish to 
know it, so that I may call your engagement at an end. 

Simp, {takes Dolly's handkerchief from pocket and mops 
his brow. Aside). Whew! this thing is getting beyond my 
control. 

Alice {seeing handkerchief). Samuel Simpkins, — what 
have you in your hand? 

Mrs. F. {putting her arm around Alice). You poor child. 



Simpkins' Little Breakfast Party. 17 

Simp, (looks at handkerchief, gets very confused). This — 
a— this? {Aside.) Great Scott! Dolly's handkerchief. 
{Rapid action, Alice screams and faints. Mrs. Fairplay 
catches her, Simpkins starts to help her. Mrs. Fairplay 
waves him away.) 

Mrs. F. You Brute! 

Alice {recovering, points at handkerchief). Where did 
you get that thing? 

Simp, {lamely). This? Why — er — this is a — a cover for 
my couch. 

Alice. Do you mean to tell me you can cover yourself up 
with that? 

Simp. Why — er — yes my dear, you know sometimes I feel 
pretty small, {Aside), and this is one of the times. 

Mrs. F. Mr. Simpkins, you are trying to deceive both my 
daughter and myself, give me that thing. {Snatches hand- 
kerchief away from him.) 

Simp. Certainly — certainly, my dear Mrs. Fairplay, I see 
I have made a mistake, that really is a — a handkerchief. 

{While he speaks the ladies are examining handkerchief.) 

Ladies. Oh, is it? 

Alice. Perhaps it belongs to " Dolly " — your horse. 

Simp. Yes, so it does. No, no, it doesn't. 

Mrs. F. Or the "Major." {Holds it to her nose.) Do 
your horses use violet perfume, Mr, Simpkins? 

Simp. Yes — no — {Aside.) Ha! now I have it, — great 
idea. {To the ladies.) Ahem, — to tell the truth, ladies, I 
got that handkerchief the other day at a bargain sale. 

Ladies. Oh, did you, where? 

Simp. At the — a — five cent store. 

Mrs. F. Ridiculous, this little affair is worth five dollars, 
— not a cent less. 

Alice. Perhaps he bought it at a " feed store," mama. 

Simp. No, no, it is all easily explained. You see it was a 
great joke on me, ha, ha, ha ! I was speeding down the avenue 
at the time in my touring car, had arrived just opposite one 
of the big stores, when the tire of the left front wheel, on the 
rear right side, blew up, something broke loose in the sprocket 
wheel, the gasoline tank fell over on the headlight, tre- 
mendous explosion ! Up went Simpkins fifty feet in the air, 
came down again — struck an innocent bystander, and — 
and 

Ladies. Yes — yes, go on. 



x8 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Patty. 

Simp. And caromed right through a big plate glass 
window, landed in the middle of a pile of feminine haber- 
dashery, dresses — hats — gloves — ^hosiery — night 

Ladies (scream). Oh! 

Simp. Er — and others things, big cut on my head, here — 
no, here, — snatched the first thing I could get hold of to 
staunch the blood, which was running all over the floor 

Mrs. F. Awful. > .^ . ,, . 

Alice. Horrible. I (^<"'^"»'' *'"'*'• <'2"'*-) 

Simp. You bet, — great excitement, everybody came run- 
ning — proprietor — pretty sa]es girls — policeman — fainted 
from loss of blood, and when I came to, I had that handker- 
chief in my hand — asked the manager what the damages 
were — he said, " Nothing my dear sir, glad to see you, call in 
again when you come down this way." Paid him five 
cents though for that little piece of linen and lace as a 
souvenir of the occasion — and 

ENTER Dolly hurriedly r. 1 e., stops 

Ah — ! (SiMPKiNg puts hands over his heart as he screams.) 
My heart! (QuicJc action follows.) 

Mrs. F. Oh, he has another attack. (They support him. 
Being hack to Dolly they have not seen her.) 

Alice. Quick, mama, quick. 

ENTER hurriedly Dr. Hartley c. d. 

Dr. H. What Is it? Whafs happened? 

Mrs. F. Mr. Simpkins — his heart ! 

Dr. H. Get him to his room at once! 

[EXIT all hut Dolly l. u. e. carrying Simpkins. 

DoL. (who has heen standing irresolutely at r. unperceived 
hy all save Simpkins). What could have been the matter 
with Mr. Simpkins? (Crosses and EXITS after the others L. 

U. E.) 

ENTER Major Cashdown c. d. in towering rage. 

Ma J. Delayed by a wreck on the elevated; couldn't get 
back any sooner ; wonder who called me up on the phone — all 
a fake — (Flourishing cane.) Wish I had him here. Where's 
Dolly? Where's Symptoms? Gone, by Jove, and I'm 
hungry as — Wonder if Mrs. Fairplay has arrived^ yet-— 
hope so, or my little scheme will miscarry. Ah (ruhhing his 
hands), great idea of mine — clever — ex — treme — ly clever, to 
make her think our young friend Symptoms was going it a 



Simpkins' I^ittle Breakfast Party. X$ 

little fast, and so get her here where I could make her listen 
to a little reason and common sense. Major — Major, I fear 
you will never get over being as young as any of 'em — la la la. 
(Attempts a step or two, but rheumatism prevents.) Ouch! 
To be sure, Symptoms is a little — just a little — but pshaw, 
boys will be boys, although a little scare may not be amiss 
in his case. Alice is too nice a little girl for any man to 
play fast and loose with. (ENTER George l. 1 e. 'bringing 
tray, etc. Goes to table.) Here, you black rascal (Rapidly) ^ 
where is my daughter ? Where is Mr. Symptoms ? Where is 
everybody? Who called me up on the phone? Has there 
been any one here since I left? Are we going to get any- 
thing to eat this blessed day? (George makes grimaces 
trying to answer during the Major's volley.) Hey! why 
don't you answer, you — you — what are you grinning about? 
(Makes for George with cane. George retreats around 
table.) 

Geo. Ho? on. Major, hoi' on. 

Maj. (stopping). Well, why don't you speak? 

Geo. Deed, Ah tried to, but Ah couldn' git a word in 
aidgeways. 

Maj. (raising cane). Will you ? ^ 

Geo, Yassir, yassir, gi' me chance, what you wanter know 
fust? 

Maj. (calming down). Well, perhaps I was a little fast. 

Geo. Yo' suttingly was. De house am full, Majaw, all 
kinds a folks. An' de boss gwine t' haf breakfuss right away. 

Maj. Good, that's something to be thankful for any way. 
(Goes up stage.) 

Geo. Dis am my las' day on dis job. Ain't gwine t' be 
made no choppin' block for nobody, not much. (Works 
around table.) 

ENTER Mrs. Fairplay l. u. e., comes down l. 

Mrs. F. Well, of all the incomprehensible proceedings. 
Mr. Simpkins is either acting a part, or his head is affected 
worse than his heart. I do wish Major Cashdown 

Maj. (coming down r.). Well, my dear Mrs. Fairplay, 
here at last? (They shake hands. Major bowing low.) So 
glad to see you again. 

Mrs. F. Thank you Major — I wish 

Maj. Ahem — you received my note? 

Mrs. F. I did, and I would like very much to 

Maj. Oh, certainly, my dear madam. (George whistles a 



20 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

little.) Ahem — pardon me — just a second. {Goes over to 
George. Aside.) Er — George Henry, haven't you something 
important to attend to below? (Slipping George a tip.) 

Geo. (grinning). Suah, Majaw, I tend to dat little matter 
right away. [EXIT George l. 1 e. 

Maj. (aside). Now for the next move in my little game. 
Ahem, Mrs. Fairplay, it was very good of you to come, and 
now 

Mrs. F. Perhaps so, but now that I have come, Major, if 
you will have the kindness to inform me what I have come 
for, I 

Maj. Immediately — immediately, my dear madam. 
(Aside.) I wonder how I'll begin, I hope Dolly doesn't come 
in now. (To Mrs. Fairplay.) Ah — by the way, have you 
seen Dolly? 

Mrs. F. No, but I suppose she is in the stable. 

Maj. (astounded). Where? 

Mrs. F. In the stable, of course, with the other horses. 

Maj. (aside). Is she crazy? (To Mrs. Fairplay with 
some dignity.) Madam, I do not know what you may be 
talking about, but I — was asking if you had seen my daughter 
— Miss Dolly Cashdown. 

Mrs. F. (aside). His daughter? Ah now I see — what a 
fool I have been — " Dolly and the Major," — " thoroughbreds " 
— um yes, I think so. Now, Mr. Samuel Simpkins, if I 
don't ^ 

Maj. (impatiently). Pardon me, madam, you were say- 
ing ? 

Mrs. F. (sweetly). Oh, pardon me, my dear Major, some- 
thing diverted me for a moment. I believe your daughter ia 
with Mr. Simpkins in his room. 

Maj. What! (Grabs his cane, starts l.) 

Mrs. F. Perhaps I had better hear what he has to say 
first. (Runs after Major, drags him hach hy the coat tails.) 
Yes, with a Dr. Hartley, and my daughter Alice. 

Maj. (aside). Hartley here? Well here is a mix up. 
Confound it though, — let them settle their own affairs, I 
have something more agreeable to attend to. (Bowing low 
to Mrs. Fairplay.) Will you permit me to say that time has 
dealt very kindly with you, my dear Mrs. Fairplay, and now 
that this fortunate meeting 

Mrs. F. Under such peculiar circumstances 

Maj. "Peculiar?" 

Mrs. F. Yes, "peculiar." (Rapidly,) Will you kindly 



Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 21 

explain how you happen to be here, and how your daughter 
happens to be here, and why Mr. Simpkins is attected with 
heart failure all of a sudden, — and why this young Dr. 
Hartley looks as though he would like to perform vivisection 
upon the whole party — and 

Maj. Why, of course. (Aside.) How some people can 
ask questions. (To Mrs. Fairplay.) You see — er — Mr. 
Symptoms has placed a heavy commission in stocks with our 
firm, and he asked me here this morning to tall^ over the 
deal, and 

Mrs. F. Oh! and is your daughter Dolly a member of 
your firm? 

Maj. (rattled). Yes — no. Ha! ha! Excellent joke, Mrs. 
Fairplay, excellent joke. Ha! Ha! (Aside.) What will I 
tell her? 

Mrs. F. Major Cashdown, if the joke is so very " excel- 
lent," perhaps — I say per — haps, you will be kind enough to 
explain the point of it. 

Maj. a thou&and pardons. (Gets an idea.) Why, the 
fact is, we had to have a stenographer and my daughter Dolly, 
having had some experience in that line, very kindly con- 
sented to act, and so you see ? 

Mrs. F. (much relieved). Why, certainly. Major, that 
clears up the whole matter. 

Maj. (delighted). I am awfully glad it does. (Aside.) 
If you've got to lie, do it right. 

Mrs. F. And now if you'll excuse me. (Moves to go.) 

Maj. (detaining her). Oh, not for the world — won't you 
please be seated. I have something I wish to say to you. 
(Mrs. Fairplay tahes chair. The Major stands, hand on 
chair hack.) 

Mrs. F. (aside — coyly). I wonder what it is, he seems so 
mysterious. (The following scene is intended to he rather 
ridiculous.) 

Maj. Ahem — as T was saving 

Mrs. F. (expectantly). Yes? 

Maj. No — I mean — as I was about to say 

Mrs. F. (looHng np, then down). Yes, Major. (Sighs.) 

Maj. Mrs. Fairplay — er — er — Elsie . 

Mrs. F. (shocked). Why — why — Major Cashdown. 

Maj. (effusively). Oh, please call me Joseph, let us use 
the old names, the dear old names we called each other, 
back in the days when we were boys together 

Mrs. F. (amazed). What do you 



22 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Maj. No, no — I mean girls together 

Mrs. F. Why, Major, are you era — 

Maj. No, I don't, I mean — er — (Crosses r. aside.) What 
in blazes do I mean anyway? (Returns hastily ^ falls on his 
hnees, takes her hand in his, places his other hand on his 
heart.) I mean, that I have been wishing, longing for this 
opportunity, dear Elsie, to tell you how much I lo 

ENTEK Dolly quickly l. u. e. She sees tableau (quick 
action) throws up her hands. Screams slightly and runs 
off R. u. E. 

Maj. (jumping up). What was that? 

Mrs. F. (little scream). Ah — h! 

Maj. (looks all around, sees nothing, resumes position, same 
"business; loudly). Love you, and — (ENTER George l. 1 
E. Major in dismay. Crosses to George, motions him off. 
George does not understand. Major gives tip; George does 
understand, EXITS l. 1 e. grinning; shakes fist off l. returns 
to Mrs. Fairplay as before. Shouts.) And with my hand 
on my heart. (Changes position of his hand.) I swear — 

ENTER Hartley l. u. e. in pursuit of Dolly. He sees 
tableau, throws up both hands and shouts — Wow! 
EXITS G. D. Quick action. 

Mrs. F. (starts up wildly, looks around). Oh! what was 
it? 

Maj. (falls over backward, echoes Hartley's Wow ! Gets 
up painfully; rubs rheumatic leg). Come, my dear, let 
us leave the zoological garden, all the animals seem to be 
having a half holiday. I will seek a more sequestered spot, 
where — (They go off c. d. arm in arm, the Major limping 
painfully.) 

ENTER Hartley r. u. e., looks around. 

Dr. H. Which way did she go? What is she doing here 
anyway ? What in thunder does it all mean ? Simpkins was 
shamming, that's plain enough, — nothing the matter with 
his heart, — won't say as much for his brains, however. I 
wonder what that Mrs. Fairplay meant by turning up her 
nose at Dolly and calling her an actress? I'll find all this 

out though, as sure as my name's (ENTER George l. 1 

E. Crosses to table.) Ah, here is George, perhaps he will 
know something. Oh, good morning, George Henry, 

Geo. Mawnin Doctah^ mawnin. 



Simpkins' I^ittle Breakfast Party. 23 

Dr. H. (aside). I'll pump the coon — (Takes a seat and 
smoJces.) George, where is Mr. Simpkins? 

Geo. (aside). Now Ah wonder what he wants t' fine out, 
guess I better not know nuffin at all. 

Dr. H. Did you hear me, George Henry? Is Mr. Simp- 
kins about? 

Geo. Deed, Ah doan know, Doetah. 

Dr. H. (aside). He's lying, the rascal. I'll see if I can^t 
scare something out of him. (Yaivns.) George, I'm tired, 
been pretty busy this morning. 

Geo. Dat so, Doetah, lots 0' folks sick now? 

Dr. H. No, not so much sickness, surgical cases, George, 
went down to the hospital before breakfast, lots of operations, 
all the staff busy, took off seven legs and five arms in forty- 
five minutes flat. 

Geo. (his eyes bulging). Sho, Doetah, you mus' a had t* 
hustle. 

Dr. H. Oh, that's not so much, just enough to give a man 
an appetite, just a little sport. 

Geo. B-r-r-r! Ah wouldn' like dat kine o' sport. 

Dr. H. All in getting used to it, George Henry. Only 
thing I object to, is the way it affects my head. 

Geo. (looJcing startled). Yo' haid? 

Dr. H. Yes, and my appetite. 

Geo. Wha' what? 

Dr. H. (jumps up, and walks around. Sits down again 
acts strangely). Yes, you have no doubt heard, or read, of 
how the smell and sight of blood affects some wild animals. 
(Clutches his chair, looks wildly at George, who is getting 
scared.) Makes them fierce for more! Well, that's me, 
makes me want to cut up even a well man, white or — 
(fiercely jumping up) black! (Starts wildly toward George, 
who gives way.) 

Geo. Fo' de Lord's sake! Better se' down, Doetah, better 
se' down. (Hartley runs hands through his hair, rolls his 
eyes, grahs table knife, makes for George.) 

Dr. H. Ha— h! What do you 

Geo. (sprinting around room). Help — Murder — fire — 
Ya— h! (Runs off L. 1 E.) 

Dr. H. (puts down knife, laughing). Ha! Ha! Well 
that's not more than half a joke. I really do feel like doing 
something savage, and if Miss Dolly Cashdown don't ex — 

ENTER Dolly c. d. 



24 Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Dolly (aside). Ah, there he is. 

Dr. H. (aside). Ah, here she is now. 

Dr. H. Well, Miss Cashdown, what have you to say for 
yourself ? 

DoL. Oh ! I don't know that I have anything in particular 
to say to you about myself, Mr. Hartley. 

Dr. H. Oh, you don't? I suppose that being engaged to 
me does not make it seem at all out of place for you to be 
discovered taking breakfast with another man in his private 
apartments. 

DoL. "Discovered?" Well, I like that. I would have 
you know, sir, that my papa was here, and as for our 
" engagement " as you term it, ha ha, as that is a matter 
known only to ourselves, it can be easily terminated. 

Dr. H. (alarmed). Dolly, you don't mean — (Aside) nol 
I won't back down, she must explain. 

DoL. (laughing, aside). Poor boy, he's horribly jealous. 
(Sighs.) Isn't it nice to be thought so much of; but 
quarrels are so stupid. I think I will try to tame the bear. 
Dr. Hartley? 

Dr. H. (averting eyes). Well ? 

DoL. " Well "—look at me. 

Dr. H. (still loohing away). Are you going to explain? 

DoL. I am not going to say one word as long as you are 
so (smothering a laugh) deeply interested in studying the 
arrangement of Mr. Simpkins' furniture. 

Dr. H. (turning savagely). Well, there! 

DoL. That's much better, sir. To begin then, I will tell 
you that I received an invitation from Mr. Simpkins to take 
breakfast with him. (Hartley mahes gesture with his flsi, 
aside.) In the note he sent me he mentioned something 
about his chum. Dr. Hartley. 

Dr. H. (indignantly). Humph! He did, did he? 

DoL. Yes, and although it was rather vague^ it led me to 
think you were to be one of the party, so I accepted, of course 
with the provision that papa should be included, thinking it 
would be a good time to let him know about our — our en- 
gagement. (LooTcing at him archly. Hartley not pacified.) 
Papa seemed singularly pleased with the idea, and so we 
came, and 

Dr. H. (angrily). But, that does not explain why 
Simpkins invited you, nor how it is that you happen to be 
acquainted with him. 



Simpkins' I^ittle Breakfast Party. «5 

DoL. Please do not be so violent. You see he was a guest 
at Mrs. Hiflier's private theatricals, which occurred while 
you were away last month. I was the leading lady, you know, 
and this Mr. vSirapkins somehow conceived the idea that I 
was a professional, obtained an introduction {sly looh), 
seemed to be very much smitten, and 

Dr. H. I'll smite him ! 

DoL. Yes, wasn't it funny? 

Dr. H. Oh! very! 

DoL. (sweetly). Don't you remember that was the way 
you first met me, and how you 

Dr. H. Yes, I distinctly remember, I remember that was 
where my troubles began. 

DoL. Now don't interrupt. You said I was 

Dr. II. Oh, don't remind me of it. 

DoL. And that you would (coming nearer to him) never, 
— ne — ver 

Dr. H. I did not! ^ 

DoL. (coming nearer, and sliahing -finger playfully). On, 
yes! you did, and so did this Mr. Simpkins 

Dr. H. (disgusted). Simpkins! 

DoL. (clanging tones). And so I came to his old break- 
fast, but it wasn't a bit of fun, papa was called away, Mr. 
Simpkins is a — fool (cannot find her handkerchief, takes 
Hartley's which shows in Ins hreast pocket.) and now here 
you are acting (beginning to cry) like a great b — ^b — ^bear. 
M — Men are so hard to understand. 

Dr. H. And women are so open and above board 

DoL. And my head aches so. (Edging up closer.) 

Dr. H. (aside). Oh! pshaw! I can't stand this. 

DoL. And — and I'm so hu — hungry. ^ (Drops her head on 
his shoulder, face hidden in handkerchief.) 

Dr. H. (aside). Oh! hang it all, I can't be a brute. 
(Puts his arms around Dolly.) There — there, little one 
don't cry, I guess I was a little unreasonable, please forgive 
me. (Lifting her face, and kissing her. Dolly laughs slyly 
aside.) 

ENTER Simpkins l. v. e. sees Hartley and Dolly. 

Simp, (aside). Stung! 

Dr. H. (magnanimously). Ah, Simpkins, old boy, con- 
gratulate your friend Hartley, and his bride to be. 

Simp, (not over cordial). Why — er — certainly, many 
happy returns of the day, (Dr. Hartley and Dolly go up 



26 Simpkitis* I<ittle Breakfast Party. 

laughing and EXIT arm in arm c. d., Simpkins looking after 
them.) Well, "what do you know about that?" Is that a 
busted bubble? Oh, no, not at all. {Sits down, disgusted.) 
Simpkins, you're no high roller, you're no 'ling but a wee 
little pebble on the beach. Bah! Well, Dolly's out of the 
way, that's some comfort, but {jumping up) there's Alice! 
how in the deuce will I patch this up with her? She^s 
camping on my trail, I'm dead sure of that. What a mix, 
everything gone to smash. A — h, I feel like fighting some 
one, if there was only some one here, I'd 

ENTEK George l. 1 e. 

Geo. Say, boss, dat ar breakfast done gittin' cole. 

Simp. {hlanMy). You don't say so ? {Aside.) Ha! here's 
a chance to start something, here's the villain who queered 
the whole show with his " where's de Majaw? Where's Miss 
Dolly," business; I'll Dolly him, I'll show him. 

Geo. Am your pahty pretty nigh ready t' eat, boss? 

Simp, {aside). The black-hearted son of Ham, I'll eat him. 
(Pulls up his sleeves a little.) Come here, George Henry. 

Geo. Yas, sah. 

Simp. Um, George Henry, can you count? 

Geo. Suah, Ah c'n count. Ha, ha, dat make me tink of 
when Ah was a little coon an lib down in de state of Jaw Jaw, 
dar was a man nex' door what had a little patch of water- 
millions, close up t' our cabin. An — an one night I count 
dem ar millions an dar was forty-fo', but when de man 
counted dem de nex mawnin — ah, ha, ha, ha, dar wan ony — 

Simp. Well, never mind about that now. I want you to 
assist me in a little experiment in ha — propulsion. 

Geo. Yassir, what am dat er — pro — p — p ? 

Simp, {taking George l.). Um — the experiment referred 
to will demonstrate its own meaning, George Henry. You 
stand here. {Takes him off stage, shakes fist, aside.) 

Geo. Yassir. (Simpkins makes sinister preparations.^ 

Simp. Now, steady. 

Geo. Steady it am, sah. 

Simp. Now you count three, George Henry, and when you 
get to three. {Drawing hack his foot) my meaning will be 
apparent. Now 

Geo. One. 

Simp. " One." 

Geo. Two. 



Simpkins* I/ittle Breakfast Party. ^7 

Simp. "Two." 

Geo. Three. (Simpkins hiclcs George violently off l. 1 e. 
George falls through wings with a yell.) 

Simp. Take that, you black ape. {Howl from George 
heard outside.) There that helps a little. Now, if my 
other little troubles were only — {Sits down dejectedly and 
lights cigarette.) Whew! Simpkins, it will be up to you to 
explain when Alice rings up — Gee! I don't know what kind 
of a bluff to put up now that she has seen Dolly here. 
Simpkins, you're an ass. No doubt about it. Why Alice is 
tihe only real thing, and you know it. You'd better beat it, 
you've not the nerve to face her; go drown yourself. {Jump- 
ing up.) That's it, I'll do it, but what in? Water or wine? 
that's the— (ENTER Alice l. u. e.) Aha, foiled! (RE- 
TREATS R.) 

Alice {coming down l.). Mr. Simpkins, you will call a 
cab for me, at once. 

Simp. But, my dear Alice, surely you are not 

Alice. Will you call a cab, or will you compel me to do 
so? 

Simp. No, no, my dear, I will call one if you insist. 
(Crosses to telephone.) 

Alice. I most certainly do insist. 

Simp, (pretends to order cah. hut does not switch in). 
Hello! hello! give me Metropolitan Taxi Co. — yes — Hello! 
— Simpkins — Stag Flats — send cab at once — what — strike — 
is that so ? Well, well, — no, of course — can't be helped — good 
day. Sorry. Alice, but the manager informs me there is a 
strike on, no cabs running. 

Alice. But I must go, — now. What shall I do? 

Simp. " Do ? " Why, my dear Alice, stay right here, and 
let me explain this trifling 

Alice. " Explain ! " I have had enough of your " ex- 
planations " — Mr. Simpkins, what I have seen, sir, is enough 
for any woman with the slightest particle of self-respect. 

Simp, (tragically). Then if you will not hear me, this 
will be the last you will ever see — or know, of the injured 
and unfortunate Samuel Simpkins. (Stalks gloomily toward 

C. D.) 

Alice (alarmed aside). Oh, what does he mean? (Calls 
Simpkins hack.) Stay, on second thought I will hear what 
you have to say, although I am perfectly sure it will make 
no difference to me. (Alice sits l. c.) 



dB Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 

Simp, (delighted, takes dance step hack, comes down €.)• 
I suppose, I say I suppose all this agitation on your part 
is caused by the fact that you have seen Miss — ah — Dolly 
Cashdown here. 

Alice. Oh, you do? And I suppose you think that is a 
mere trifle, easily explained and all that. (Trotting her 
foot indignantly.^ 

Simp. That's it, just the word, couldn't have expressed it 
better myself. 

Alice. What do you mean? 

Simp. Why a trifle, nothing more. (Rapidly.) See here. 
This Major Cashdown is a — a settlement worker, interested 
in rescue work, and that sort of thing; he has been after me 
for a subscription. It was highly important for me to. see 
him this morning about the matter. I called him up, he 
was just getting ready to take a trip with his daughter to 
the South, so I told him to stop here and have breakfast 
with me on his way to the station. He asked if it would be 
agreeable if he brought his daughter with him. Of course I 
could hardly say no, although I do not care particularly for 
the society of stage folks, and so you see when you called it 
a trifle you were entirely correct, as you always are. 

Alice (aside, partly convinced). That really sounds 
plausible. Are you sure that what you have told me is true? 

Simp. Sure. My dear Alice, I am as sure as I am that 
this Major Cashdown is a philanthropist, or as I am that 
our wedding will take place in June as per the original 
schedule. (Looks down on her very lovingly.) 

Alice (pleased). If I thought — (Rising.) 

Simp. And further, when I tell you that I have taken an 
option on that little place up the Hudson which we 

Alice. Oh, Sammy, how perfectly lovely 

Simp. Isn't it? (They embrace rapturously.) Ah, I 
knew you would 

ENTER Major Cashdown, and Mrs. Fairplay^ talking and 

laughing, c. D.) 

Major. Ha! Ha! So the skies have cleared, eh? 

Mrs. F. (embracing Alice). I am so glad, the Major has 
explained all. (Turns to Simpkins who hugs her enthusi' 
astically.) 

Alice. The "Major?" 

Maj. Yes, my dear, the Major, who having renewed an 



Simpkins' I/ittle Breakfast Party. 29 

old and tender tie with your mama, will soon be your papa. 
(Bows.) 
Simp, (shaking Major's hand). Good! — Great! 

ENTER Dr. Hartley, c. d. Comes down laughing. 

Dr. H. {gaily). My dear friends. Make way for Dr. 
Hartley — the — ahem — eminent young surgeon, and his bride 
to be — Miss Dolly Cashdown, the most accomplished little 
amateur actress in this little old town. (Both how low.) 

Alice (aside to Simpkins, perplexed). Amateur? 

Simp, (aside to audience, astonished, recovering quichly to 
Alice). Why, of course, I thought you knew. (Whistles 
aside.) 

Alice (kissing Dolly). Oh, I am charmed. 

DoL. (returning salute with knowing look at Alice and 
SiMPKixs). And I too. 

Ma J. Well now that every one is happy, you must all 
thank me for the little scheme, by which has been brought 
about, these very fortunate results. (Bows to company.) 

Simp. And me, for my very able assistance therein. 
(Bows. All laugh. Simpkins takes Major aside.) Major, 
I am going to put you up for membership in the Ananias 
Club. 

Maj. Sh — h (Winks, pokes thumb in Simpkins' ribs.) 

Simp, (repeats business). Not a word. (Both laugh 
aside.) 

Maj. Now, my dear Symptoms, if the rest of the party 
are as hungry as I am, I believe that even a bite of cold 
storage beef 

Simp. Hold on. Major, we'll do better than that. (Calling 
off L.) George Henry! (ENTER George cautiously, hold- 
ing cushion behind hi?n.) George Henry. 

Geo. (keeping away). Yas, sah. 

Simp, (giving bill). Here, go out and bring in everything 
the market affords for a fine little blow-out. 

Geo. (takes money, backs toward l.). Yas, sah, right away. 

Simp. And here, here's something. (Gives George more 
money) to pay for your assistance in that little experiment 
in propulsion — er — you remember, George Henry? 

Geo. (painfully, but happily). Deed, x\h do, boss, thanks, 
sah. (Grins and bows.) 

Simp. Well, hurry up. Now as soon as George returns 
we will have a celebration, in which we will make up for lost 



30 Simpkins' I^ittle Breakfast Party. 

time, — and {to audience) if you think you would enjoy it, 
we would be happy to have you all stay, and sit down 
with 

Omnes. Simpkins' little Breakfast Party. 

SiMPKINS. 

Alice. Mrs. Fairplay. 

Hartley. Major. 

I^OLLY. George. 

CURTAIN. 



OAK FARM 

COMEDY DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 

By ANTHONY E. WILLS 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Seven male, four female characters, being first old man, leading man, 
comedy, character heavy, three comedy characters; first old lady, leading 
lady and two lady comedy characters. Time of playing, 2V2 hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Scene, room in the Weatherby home. Oak Farm. Donald 
departs for college. The farm mortgaged. Donald and Helen betrothed. 
The rain agent. Joel and Sally. Prune, postmaster and money lender. 

Act II. — Scene, the same, three years later. The intercepted letters. 
"Why does not Donald write?" The old maid's saitors. Prune's rascality. 
The mortgage due. 

Act III. — Same scene, two months later. Prune unmasked. The old 
maid's stratagem. The stranger's offer declined. "I am Donald." Joy at 
Oak Farm. 



ESCAPED FROM THE LAW 

COMEDY DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS 
By C. WALCOrr RUSSELL 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Seven male, five female characters. The owner of a factory, his super- 
intendent, a French scientist, a physician, an English labor agitator, gardener 
and butler. The owner's wife and daughter, his partner's widow, a maid- 
servant, a neighbor and a policeman. A labor agitator's plot to promote a 
strike and burn the owner's house. Time of playing, zYz hours. 3 interior 
and I exterior scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Morning. The Irishman and the anarchist. The doctor recog- 
nizes and exposes the woman from Martinique. 

Act II. — Evening. A wife's confession. Flight. 

Act III. — Three weeks later. The dying child. One of Nature's noble- 
men. The plot to burn the factory. "Your silence or your life." 

Act IV. — The widow and the superintendent. The house surrounded 
by rioters. The telegraph message. The wires cut. 

Act V. — A wife's sacrifice and husband's remorse. The rioters dis- 
{>er$ed. Home and love once more. 



A WIDOW'S WILES 

A Comedy in Three Acts, by 

EMILIE H. CALLAWAY 

Price, 25 Cents 

Seven male, eight female characters. Three interior scenes. Time 
of playing, two hours, A scheming widow involves Ted, who is engaged 
to Doris, in her toils and plays her cards with such success that she 
eventually forces Ted to marry her. Her sudden death releases Ted, and 
upon full explanation being made, he and Doris become reconciled. 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. Raymond A wealthy Virginian 

Tom Raymond Mr. Raymond's son 

Tack Fenton ) To^.g friends 

Walter Trask ) 

Ted Prescott Tom's intimate chum 

Percy Huston A dude, given to "butting in" 

Sambo Mr. Raymond's colored servant 

Mrs, Raymond Mr. Raymond's, wife 

Doris Raymond Her daughter 

Mrs. Bronson A scheming widow 

Grace Huston Percy Huston^s sister 

Mrs. Pueblo A society lady 

Louisiana Francis A young colored girl 

Aunt Dinah Mr. Raymond's colored old house-servant 



THE DELEGATES FROM DENVER 

A Farcical Comedy in Two Acts, by SAMUEL N. CLARK 

PRICE, 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. John Randolph An elderly gentleman 

Mrs. John Randolph His wife 

John Randolph, Jr Their son, usually called "John" 

Edward Steele A friend of the family 

Louise Randolph John's sister 

Margaret Burley Louise's friend 

A Maid Servant 

Rose Wilbur I I iir . .,_ 

Gertrude > Members of the Eta Pi Sorority ■{ nr,Z^ nr^m^o r-ror e 

Janet Van Holt ) ^ ] Two Other Girls 

Two Interior Scenes. Time of Playing — 45 Minutes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I. — John has proposed to Margaret, but she delays giving him any 
final answer. He overhears a conversation between her and Louise in 
which Margaret, who is a candidate for President of the Eta Pi Sorority, 
which is to meet in Boston, confides to Louise that if she is elected she 
will not marry, in order to devote her time to the Sorority. Two of the 
members of Denver write to say they cannot attend, John and Edward 
determine to disguise themselves as the Denver Delegates and vote against 
Margaret's election and plan to keep Margaret and Louise from reaching 
the Convention, 

Act II. — The Sorority convention in Boston. John and Edward arrive, 
but in spite of their ruse, Margaret and Louise also arrive. Edna (Edward) 
hands Margaret a bogus telegram calling her back instantly to New York. 
An accident has delayed the starting of the train; she telegraphs home to 
account for the delay, and the Randolphs in alarm hasten to Boston. The 
whole scheme is unravelled and plans are laid for a double wedding* 



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FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

.JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

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COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 8 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 muiutes 3 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acte;2hour8 6 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 

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GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2)^ hours 5 

GYPSY" QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2}4 hours 5 

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3 
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